For the first time ever, I’m an undecided voter.

I’ve never understood undecided voters. Like all politics nerds, I’ve read the headlines about those illusive folk who just haven’t been able to make up their mind in the months, weeks, days, even hours leading up to the moment they step into the booth. “Who are these, idiots?” I’ve always wondered. “Surely they must know who they’re going to vote for by now! They should know it in their bones!” So I guess I’m as surprised as anyone that on the eve of the most important election in a generation, I still don’t know who I’m going to vote for.

Let’s get one thing straight really early on —I know I won’t be voting Tory. I’ve never voted for a conservative government before, and I’m certainly not going to start now. I’m a progressive at heart — I believe in equality, fairness, justice, and a thriving planet. At first glance, the answer should be simple — vote Labour. I just don’t know if I can.

Again, to be clear —I think most Labour policies are brilliant. Yes please let’s nationalise the hell out of everything. Give loads more money to nurses and teachers? Bloody oath. Green New Deal? Hell. Yes. I love socialism. But I do not love Jeremy Corbyn.

Most people are probably expecting something about anti-semitism to come up right about now. But this piece isn’t about that. I have no authority to speak about anti-semitism, and those who I know who do have the authority have been saying contradictory things. So I’m going to leave that for others to speak to.

I do, however, feel like I have a bit of authority when it comes to Syria. I’ve been working with Syrians for the past four years, trying to get governments to listen to their pleas to hold Assad accountable for his crimes. During that time I’ve lost colleagues who were killed by their own government, seen footage of parents cradling their dead children, and woken up to voice memos of the recordings of the sounds of an hospital’s emergency room in the aftermath of a chemical attack. All governments have failed Syrians by merely condeming these acts and doing nothing to actually stop them. But Corbyn won’t even go so far as to condemn them. He seems only to be opposed to war crimes if they’re committed by Western governments. I need a leader who condemns them even if they come from an ally in the fight against American imperialism.

I recently tried to explain how conflicted I felt about Corbyn’s tolerance of Assad to one of my closest friends. It’s the first fight we’ve ever had — “this election isn’t about you, you have to vote Labour” she said. I’ve never been one to respond positively to being told what “I have to do” so the conversation wrapped up pretty quickly after that. Moments later, I got a message from her best friend “If you can’t vote for Jeremy Corbyn because of misplaced concerns about Syria then we can’t be friends,” she said. “I hope your NHS toe heals quickly and your principled stance helps you feel better every time you step over a frozen homeless person outside Pret.” I cried for the rest of the night. Partly because I couldn’t understand how two of my friends had turned on me so quickly over something as inconsequential as considering voting Green in a constituency which saw the Labour candidate win 70% of the vote at the last election. But partly because I had just experienced so vividly one of my other major misgivings about the Labour Party — the culture of if you’re not with us then you’re against us you Tory scum.

I am a progressive, but I am not vindictive. I do not hate people who think differently to me. I believe diversity breeds brilliance and above all we must be kind to one another. I don’t want any government which allows hate to fester, regardless of if it’s Tory or Labour. I’m scared that in the Labour Party — loyalty is paramount. As long as you’re loyal, you’re accepted — even if you’re an anti-semite or an Assad apologist. But if you’re not loyal, you’re out — regardless if you are the walking embodiment of Labour values.

Weirdly, it’s because of this last point that I’m still an undecided voter. Because my local representative is Helen Hayes — and she’s defied the whip and voted against Corbyn’s wishes six times since she’s been an MP. She’s a rebel — and she’s exactly the kind of person I want to be in the Labour Party. Someone who puts her principles above party loyalty. For that, she deserves my vote. But when I know all votes for Labour will be interpreted as an endorsement of Corbynism, I just don’t know if I can give it to her.

I have agonised over this election, and I don’t use that term lightly. I have cried over it, I have lost sleep over it, and heartbreakingly, I have lost people I loved over it too. I am crumbling under the weight of its importance. I am lost. In less than twelve hours I will be standing in front of my ballot, pen in hand, and I still have no idea what to do.